Invisible Hand

Invisible Hand

        ‘Life is a curious blend of efforts and destiny. It does happen that we start our journey on a path having clear idea of the destination and the possible timeline but then you miss the timeline and start wondering about the combination of efforts and destiny. At a time when your patience is being tested, your sincerity is being questioned there you find people standing by you, believing in you. This acknowledgement is the sincere expression of gratitude to all whose faith in me remained unmoved.’

         This was how I started my acknowledgement in my M.E. thesis. My M.E. long overdue, in abeyance, due to unfinished project work, was a matter of worry, indifference and of ridicule, of taunts unleashed at me often camouflaged in show of care.

         But then in period like this when you desperately seek someone who believes in you, you invariably clash with so called well wishers who make you suffer internally. I also went through the same situation. It all began when after putting some good, can be said to be excellent performance in examination I just lost my link, becoming completely out of sync with project. Why I lost, there is just no reason strong enough to push as an excuse. I just lost it, no concrete reason whatsoever. But then you feel about it. No loss of confidence, no depression, no drop in passion for academic activity but just loss of interest in completion of project. Last barrier to be conquered, could have been done easily, but no attempt from my side. Strange… extremely strange… but true. Couple of years gone by, I tried to revive, but for some reason it did not go my way.

     A strong believer in ‘time’, I gradually realized it was not with me. It was a deadlock that had no solution in present. Best idea is to wait for the swing of time in my favour, till then keep nerves cool. Period of self learning. Not to panic. Deal with every challenge to your patience with patience only. Time is a fair entity; it will not be against you all the time. Problem is we turn our back on it, leaving no room for conceiving its turn in our favour. This understanding was with me for I always advised my students suffering under the burden of failures along the same line. The difficulty was I had to apply that to me. But then that was the real challenge. Easy to lecture, most difficult to implement at personal level. I don’t know how far I was successful but was able to maintain my composure, deliver to the best of my ability while teaching, and given the affection I got in return from my students I could claim some success. What was amusing was that my students never rated me by my qualification and friends never lost faith. Internally I was confident, was buying time.

      The dark realities of relationships come to fore when a weaker side of yours is exposed to attack. But then best part of such situations is the insight you get about the relationships. The prism through which you are being looked into becomes clearly visible. Friends and closer ones worry about you, well wishers show concern but there always are some who pretend to be well wishers but in fact want to malign you asking embarrassing questions under the pretext of enquiring the status. If observed closely most people reveal their identity, dealing with you their motives get exposed. The dangerous part is some find in you an ideal candidate for exploitation. They often come up with obligatory solutions, you become dangerously close to enter in a trap where you just maintain status quo, problem perpetuates.

      This philosophical part apart the time finally smiled on me. The deadlock opened up. I jumped on the moving boat cruising to my destination. What I experienced in the last phase of completion of my project was entirely different, something that you simply don’t realize while going through it as anxiety and associated uncertainty overpowers the journey. You simply move uncontrollably as part of the stream, along the slope. I had to stick to some deadlines, if I wanted to finish the project in around 8 months. Getting the desired results within deadline, giving seminar and finally thesis writing and submission. Any missed deadline and project will take one more year which obviously I desperately wanted to avoid. That would have been emotionally testing, depressing for me.

       As for the efforts I had to invest, I was devoted but them there always are other impediments beyond your control, unavoidable at times. They just come, slow you down, leave you with no option but to bow, wait for the tide to recede. There was a huge event of national proportion at the college, the share of responsibility I could never have escaped. I finished with some crucial results just in time and got immersed in that event. It took two months. As soon as I was free, I had to process the results for final submission. The processing was over, shared with my guide and came back home. When I reached the shocker was waiting for me. I was greeted with the news of mother’s illness. Next day we packed off to Spandan heart institute at Nagpur. Investigation followed, succeeded by bypass surgery.

        It took around two months to settle down and I was back to square one fighting for final submission. I had only one month to finish all the work. 30^th April was finishing line. Unable to reach there in time, there would have been inevitable, crushing wait of half year for next date. I was literally running to finish, and yes finally it was a photo finish. I submitted the thesis on 30^th April. I relaxed. Wanted to relish the moment. The summer vacation had begun, I was at Nagpur, got a call on 5^th May, my father had a paralytic stroke. He was hospitalized but then I was free to attend him. In due course I appeared for defense, result came out, M.E. was added to my qualification.

         Not much changed, nothing in me changed, I remained same person. Looking back at the tumulus last phase, a close analysis revealed to me that but for some delicate positioning of events I would never have been able to finish my work by 30^th April. Had my experimental results been delayed, the big event at college would have played villain, any delay in processing or health issue of my mother at any earlier date, the line of finish would certainly have missed, and finally the submission and illness of my father just after 4 days, a small difference of 4 but big enough to push submission by 6 months. The succession of events leaves no room for any manipulation else I would be in the waiting queue standing for one more year to get through. I simply did not have any control over the placement of these events in different slots. The great thing is they all were inserted to suit me, at least it seems. The health issues of parents with age are bound to visit, no none can escape but the timing nobody can control. When the time is on your side everything falls in line else even a small thing can make your life difficult, nothing seems to go your way. Being a believer I strongly feel that somebody, don’t know where, may be up there, everybody is free to call Him the way he wants, the Master Controller, made it for me.

      Any look backward I feel immensely satisfied to see my friends, family members for never questioning my ability, standing by me and yes..finding my pocket full of love and affection of  my students whom I have dedicated my blog. M.E.. or minus  ME, PG or no PG… they always touched my heart, flocked around me, showered on me lot of affection. The sense is so fulfilling. One such student very close to me called couple of days back. He was recuperating from a major surgery. He was booming with his enthusiasm, fighting with the stitched body, cut ribs. He was supremely confident of getting back to normal routine, joining company by the end of month. Around a month back he lived dangerously. He was on his way to his home town, going for his marriage, delighted, dreaming, happy in and out. He was feeling some pain in stomach, in fact from last week may be. As the journey began it accelerated. Reaching home he was in acute pain, unbearable it was but being a man of endurance he could put a smile on face.

      The doctors there realized something serious, beyond gastric problem which doctors till then were thinking. The scanning done, the matter was serious. Immediately sent to big hospital. It was  serious .. really serious. His diaphragm was shattered, intestine  twisted, half lung collapsed, he was breathing 40 percent of full capacity. He realized it but still maintained cool, talked to doctor, kept assuring face in front family which was in shock. He went through life threatening surgery. Hours of anxiety passed, the surgery was successful. His recovery started. A tough man he grasped the space, collected all his positive energy, started working on his exercises. Recovery was faster. An accident two years back had resurfaced in this form, visited earlier due to some vigorous regime of exercises he went through.

     On phone he was back with all his vigour, revealing future plans, back to his business. Amazing thing… he was finding positives in the sequence of events. He thinks it would have been even more serious had it happened in Pune. He got a great doctor in skill as well as a terrific human being. Thinks,  if it had to happen, better earlier, not after increased responsibilities, that he was lucky it happened before marriage. The doctor was God sent. He is now all cylinders fired up mentally, physical strength will come soon. In the sequence of events he finds His presence. A help hidden. So positive in thinking. Great. God bless him.

       I concluded my acknowledgement with a sentence. I am confident that I have a taker for it …Kanishk. ….

      ‘Finally the helping hand you always experience, as familiar as it can be but at the same time as anonymous as one can be, thanking it is beyond my strengths.’